1. ONE WAY TICKET

It was a dusty old night
And I'm the first to admit it
I'm sure i upset someone
But my memory has chosen to omit it

A tiny voice was telling me
I should cool it
Chewing my face off
Talking absolute rubbish

The first line hit me like a kick in the face
Thought I better have another just in case
Next thing i knew my heart was under attack
Bought a one way ticket to hell....

And Back!
One Way Ticket to hell and back
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
One way ticket to hell and back
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back

I'm always trying to keep my vices under wraps
But a coach load of mutes would appear talkative chaps
They seemed fit to join me for a couple of hits
But my septum is in tatters
And I've still got the runs

Burn for a moment then you kick like a mule
Strangers are agreeing that it was rocket fuel
Seveal lines are chocking like a glorious game
Bought a one way ticket to hell...

And back!
One Way Ticket to hell and back
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
One way ticket to hell and back
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back

[Sitar / effects]
Stick it up your f*cking nose! (Woohoo!)
[Solo]

Holy coke, repeating myself, except I'm getting slightly louder
Pausing long enough to snort that white powder
Wheels steering off but I'm still on track
Bought a one way ticket to hell

And back!
One way ticket to hell and back (yeah)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back (ooh yeah)
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell (oooh yeaah)

One way ticket to hell and back (woo!)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell...


2. KNOCKERS

Oh lord, I'm so bored
Living on my own
You're devilish and dirty
They say your pushing thirty
Well pushing thirty stone

Oh Christ, I'm enticed
I want you in my sack
You're potty-mouthed and brassy
Anything but classy
I've just got to get you back

It's been a while,
Since I've seen that smile
But the old magic's still there

[Chorus]
And I love what you've done with your hair...oh yeah!
I just love what you've done with your hair...oh yeah!
Oh!

Oh crumbs, I'm all thumbs
Lying here with you
You're beautiful and busty
But I'm a little rusty
I've forgotten what to do

It's been a while
Since I made you smile
But the old magic's still there

[Chorus]
And I love what you've done with your hair...oh yeah!
I just love what you've done with your hair...oh yeah!
Oh yeah!


3. IS IT JUST ME?

I know that absence might
Make the heart grow fonder
Or is it 'out of sight'
Out of mind' I wonder

And do you yearn for me
When the nights grow cold
'Til death us do part
To have and to hold
I wanna give you my love, my love, my love!

But is it just me or am I all on my own again?
You're up at John O Groats, I'm down in Land's End
On you I depend!

I see your face when I close my eyes,
And there ain't no place
Like between your thighs
Don't want a life alone
All by myself
To honor and trust
In sickness and health
I wanna give you my love, my love, my love!

But is it just me or am I all on my own again?
You're in the Taj Mahal, I'm outside Big Ben
It's driving me round the bend!

Forever and ever
And ever, amen
I wanna give you my love, my love, my love,

Is it just me or am i all on my own again?
Is it just me or am i all on my own again?
You're in the Vatican, I'm in the Yemen
And it feels like the end,
The end!


4. DINNER LADY ARMS

We had a good thing, it was a blast
That was a long time in the past
You went through changes & I went away
And I have regretted that to this day

I may not always have quite so much hair
But what you saw in me will hopefully always be there
I'll never hurt you again, I swear

[Chorus]
So put your arrrrrms around me, your dinner lady arms
[repeat]

I couldn't figure out where your figure had gone
I thought that I could live without you baby I was so wrong

So put your arrrrrms around me, your dinner lady arms
Your dinner lady arms

Forgive and forget I caused you some pain
Find it in your heart to start again

I know I'll never be your Mister Right
But I'm happy to be your mister that will do for tonight
I'll never let you out of my sight.

I may be light years past on my sell-by date
But there's what we are forgetting, it's not too late
Put your arrrrrms around me, your dinner lady arms dinner lady arms

Forgive and forget I caused you some pain
Find it in your heart to start again
I know I'll never be your Mister Right
But I'm happy to be your mister that will do for tonight
I'll never let you out of my sight.

So put your arrrrrms around me, your dinner lady arms
[repeat]

I couldn't figure out where you'd figure had gone
I thought that I could live without you baby I was so wrong
Put your arrrrrms around me, your dinner lady arms, HUH!

[Solo]

I may be light years past on my sell-by date
But there's what we are forgetting, it's not too late
Put your arrrrrms around me, your dinner lady arms dinner lady arms


5. SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

We may not get back what we had, what I threw away
But you know I would do anything, anything you say
I'd cross a thousand miles of broken glass on my hands and knees
I would crawl if for a moment we could cease hostilities

But it seemed like such a good idea at the time,
Such a very very good idea at the time.

I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I went wrong
Either way let's start again
I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I went wrong
I don't know where to start again

Now our dream is over, but lately I have found
That you only seem to come alive when I am not around

But it seemed like such a good idea at the time,
Such a very very good idea at the time.

I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I went wrong
Either way let's start again
I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I went wrong
I don't know where to start again

[Solo]

But it seemed like such a good idea at the time,
Such a very very good idea at the time.

I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I went wrong
Either way let's start again
I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I went wrong
I don't know where to start... again


6. HAZEL EYES

I hail from the flatlands of East Anglia
A town that once could boast prosperity
She had trekked for many moons from a land afar
But the cruel nets had emptied the northen sea

And she said "hoots,
I cannae get back tae me hoos in bonny Scotland"

Girl with the hazel eyes - Aaaaah!
Girl with the hazel eyes - Aaaaah!

The elements had taken their toll on her
Her face was weather beaten and her hair greasy
I had never seen a set of eyes more hazelerer
And a tear did fall as she looked up at me

And she said "hoots,
I cannae get back tae me hoos in bonny Scotland"

Girl with the hazel eyes - Aaaaah!
Girl with the hazel eyes - Aaaaah!

I shall travel with thee
For to see your folks in Scotland
With their blessing, on one knee
I shall ask for your left hand

Girl with the hazel eyes - Aaaaah! [x4]

I shall travel with thee
For to see your folks in Scotland
With their blessing, on one knee
I shall ask for your left hand


7. BALD

It would appear that male pattern
Baldness has set in
His hair, at an alarming pace
Running away from his face
He's losing his virility
And now his masculinity
Has been compromised
And his libido down-sized

Not for me, not for me, not for me, uh-uh
Not for me, not for me, heaven forbid
It's not for me you understand

Bald, slap headed and hairless
Bald he is destined to be
Bald, well tonight thank God it's him not me

From what I have been reading
His scalp needs kneading
To stimulate each follicle
And reverse this diabolical
Condition that's afflicted he
For years and has cruelly
Repulsed each potential mate
And left him with a balding pate

Not for me, not for me, not for me, uh-uh
Not for me, not for me, heaven forbid
It's not for me you understand

Bald, slap headed and hairless
Bald he is destined to be
Bald, well tonight thank God it's him not me

Sock it to me baby, yeah!

Not for me, not for me, not for me, uh-uh
Not for me, not for me, heaven forbid
It's not for me you understand

Not for me, not for me, not for me, uh-uh
Not for me, not for me, heaven forbid
It's not for me you understand

Bald, slap headed and hairless
Bald he is destined to be
Bald, well tonight thank God it's him not me
Thank God!

Bald, slap headed and hairless
Bald he is destined to be
Bald, well tonight thank God it's him not me
How?


8. GIRLFRIEND

Girl, I know I've got a funny way
Of showing it
Yes, I thought our love was here to stay
And blowing it
Was never on my agenda
She meant nothing to me, I meant nothing to her
And now i realise it's over
I've just got to tell her

Girlfriend, I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much so much

Girl I know I ripped your heart right out
So why pretend
That there is even a shadow of doubt
That it's the end
Why the hell are we breaking our necks
Where there's absolutely no affection, hardly any sex
To simplify something that extremely complex
You were my girlfriend, now you're my ex...

Girlfriend, I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much so much
Listen to my synthesizer!

Girlfriend, I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much so much
Girlfriend, I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much
I love you, I love you, I love you so much so much


9. ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN

It was a cigarette break and I was des...perate
I saw her pushing that wheelbarrow
She said have you got a match. I said yes
My cock and Farmer Giles' prizewinning marrow

Frolicking in the summer fields were we
I fell for you and you grew to like me

I carved U 4 me in the bark of a tree
In an English Country Garden
We rolled around kissing on the ground
In an English Country Garden
You succumbed to my charms, fell asleep in my arms
In an English Country Garden
Beneath the stars above I fell in love
In an English Country Garden
Jardin Jardin Jardin Jardin

They did a quiz at the village fete and we came last
Everybody laughed at the two of us
But I've never seen a bale of hay move so fast
She was a bona fide forking genius

Frolicking in the autumn fields were we
I cherished you and you tolerated me

We mucked about while we were mucking out
In an English Country Garden
You took me under your wing when we had our fling
In an English Country Garden
You gave my heart a boost, we ruled the roost
In an English Country Garden
Just as I got broody you got moody
In an English Country Garden

English country garden
English country garden

Pulled out all the stops, harvested the crops
In an English Country Garden
The yield was meagre, you were far less eager
In an English Country Garden
The seeds we scattered never really mattered
In an English Country Garden
I saw you leave the farm on another guy's arm
In an English Country Garden
Jardin Jardin Jardin Jardin woooh!


10. BLIND MAN

Tell me why the blind man cries
Oh, he sheds a tear because he just can't hear the children singing
How he used to fantasize
Of standing next to some children who are doing singing
Ah!
And the shoulders get colder and colder
And his tears
And his tears fall on deaf ears
Ooh!

Falling apart
At the seams and no-one seems to care
You can't cry forever
Eileen wouldn't want you to, I swear

Now he's just an empty shell
Oh, since Eileen died the other side seems so appealing
Compared to this living hell
Oh, she haunts his sleep, his wounds too deep for any healing
Ah!
With his arteries starting to harden
She is gone
She is gone and it's all wrong

Falling apart
At the seams and no-one seems to care
You can't cry forever
Eileen would want you to, I swear
So there.